the Promised Land

I felt like the Israelites in the Bible. And the Promised land is like my exams and the factors/time/arena before exams.
Haha, i know it seems weird to view it this way and might not be revelant, but it just felt like that to me now. x)
Looking at the land that God wants me to take over. The land full of the strong and tall people, where the descendants of Anak lived too *remembering the movie 'Troy'*. Awesome, powerful people there. Not only that, the city is fortified and large! Might have all those strong guards, sharp-eyed archers at those tall, thick walls. Somehow almost the same as the syllabus in this exam. Tough, challenging, mind-wrecking and wide in syallabus.
But the land is full and rich with honey and milk. Fruitful land indeed. The same goes to this exam. Once conquered, i can be able to enjoy the fruit. They're good.
Being the Israelites, the 40 years in the desert seems like the practices, classes and exercises. The training, disciplining, persevering on, trials and faith.

When its time to view this land aka exam, i can have responses like the Israelites, scared, discouraged, complained and wanted to give up. But look at what happened to them next. They, the older ones, were barred from entering that Promised Land because they did not trust in the Lord and follow what He commanded.
I shall learn to have faith. To go in to that land, and fight till the last bit, from front till the end of that piece of land. But like what happened when the Israelites wanted to enter that land after their rebellions yet God said don't enter because He is not with them, without God with me, without walking with Him, i can't enter and conquer that land too. I'm weak without Him. And i hope i won't delusion myself  thinking that i'm strong enough to fight those "Anakites" with these feeble arms of mine.
So yeah, be like Caleb and Joshua, who are ready to enter the land and take possession of it!

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged. For the Lord, your God will be with you wherever you go." [Joshua 1:9]

Conquer the Promised land! x)

buck up!

Cousin left for USA today. 4 months to work and 2 months to explore and enjoy the place. Pretty a cool plan. For me, i've always loved travelling, especially backpack travel. It feels good to learn about different cultures, to get to know the lives of people from other countries. Learning the way they think too is pretty exciting. And of course to taste their FOOD! *yes, eventhough it may not be that tasty..hehe* Hope that after my STPM, i can do something similar, if can't, maybe near to similar. Travel :)

Can't seem to finish studying everything for this mid year exam. I'm just barely halfway through. Saving subjects that are needed to be saved. Feels like am throwing life floats to those Subjects, but those Subjects kept floating in random directions. Sometimes, when i'm under pressure, i'll in the end turn to the "Protect" mode, turning my eyes away from the things that are giving me stress(except for the things i enjoy very much). Need to deal with this, to be willing to face the pressure. I know stpm is not just an exam for me to get into uni. But its a chance for me to build up my character, throw away those last minute attitude, procrastination and help me to aim higher. I need to be willing to change. To not halt and get discouraged when things get rough. To not let perfectionism to hinder me from completing something. Buck up! Even if i get a bad end result, at least, i want to see these weaknesses to be overcome. Seeing those people who strive for the best in the things they do really encourages me. Especially when seeing them doing the best for God's glory. Well, about 6 more months to it! La la la la la ~  i shall dance into the battle. <3

Look to Him

Look to Him especially when things are getting rougher.
Look to Him especially when you don't feel like it.
Look to Him especially when you are discouraged.
Look to Him especially when things don't go the way you want.
Look to Him especially when you're feeling lazy.
Look to Him especially when distractions are getting on you even more.
Look to Him especially when you feel numb by everything.
Look to Him especially when you feel like hiding your face from everything.
Look to Him especially when you feel like closing your heart.
Look to Him especially when you feel that you won't be able to fit in.
Look to Him especially when you are at your dead end.
Look to Him especially when you don't feel faithful enough.
Look to Him especially when you feel guilty.
Look to Him especially when you feel absolutely not up to standard.
Look to Him no matter what happens.


When everything is falling apart,
When everything just seems like a mess in the outside and the inside,
then thats the time to press in even more.
To seek Him even more.
To trust Him even more.
Because He sees.
He will provide.
He's bigger than all of these.
And He is still in control.

When everything is getting more and more shaky,
and are to tumble down one by one,
He is stable,
Just the same, yesterday, today and forever.
He is The place to hold on to.
And He even wants us to cling on to Him.
So, don't be like a dog scurrying around to find for a shaky shelter.
But rest under His wings,
For thats enough for eternity.

Insecurities come when trust is placed on all the wrong things
But true security resides in you when trust is placed upon Him.
So, cast all your anxieties before Him,
cast everything to Him,
For He cares for all of us.

<3

p/s: sorry my thoughts are just going about everywhere.

lalalalala

Now, breathing in and out. Though there's almost constantly a high-pitched sound somewhere up my head, well it's somewhere there la but quite far, so it doesn't really get to me now. Don't worry i'm not crazy alright. And not emo now. :) Just some feelings being expressed in that way. Don't have to understand it if can't. Haha. Taking things as it goes. Taking things one by one. Whatever will be, will beee. AJA! p(^.^)q

Suddenly felt like learning back all my classical piano pieces. Long time didn't touch them and i somehow miss those time when i can play them. Now, my fingers are hardened. =( "What a waste" I'll think, well i know it's never too late yet. Ignite the passion for piano + perseverance! When i find the free time to though.

Just some short updates. Ok, it doesn't look like an update but fluid stuffs only i know. >.<
Oh well, will write more when i know what to write and also when i feel like it. <3

Back to blog

I'm officially returning to blogging though i guess i will not be that active in Facebook anymore. Breaking away from many things in internet feel really refreshing. As if like a few gigabytes in my brain have been cleared off. :)

 Many things had happened in this short period of time though yesterday just felt like a long time ago. Mum was not home for a couple of days because she went back hometown for Mum's Day with grandma. The first time not celebrating her birthday and her day. It felt like a complete freedom at first, doing everything i want to do, eating unhealthy food and not eating those supplements she usually force down my throat. But it doesn't feel that right and comfortable in the end. All those lack of discipline except some exceptions of the things i can do more. Now i want her back. :( Well, I guess this goes the same with God. Many times i want to do my own way, going here and there, not abiding in Him, but ended up, His discipline is the best for me. And without His presence in my life, everything goes chaos in the inside and i'll be in a stupor.

Recently, Jesus answered my prayers. Prayers i've made one year ago and also throughout the year. Personal and also ministry. I'm not gonna write down what it is here yet but perhaps i'll in the near future. Just grateful to God that He listens and He provides the best there is for His children. Indeed how can a father give his son a snake if he asks of him for fish?

Recited a poem for Mother's Day in church main sanctuary. My first time with poem and in front of the whole church alone. Haha. Its quite awesome when all eyes are on you, quiet and listening. Surprisingly, i'm starting to enjoy such moments though my nerves are not under control sometimes im in front. Too bad the projector and the music did not really work.

Went to NS campsite for Christian sharing last Friday. Just the 3 of us - Yit Ping, Elaine and me, the smallest group i've ever been with. We were late! I was incharged of worship that day. There were around 40+ of them, mostly from Sabah and Sarawak. Played guitar while worship leading, i felt i'd better brush up more on my guitar skill. Its getting more and more useful as time goes by. :) During the sharing time, i don't know why i was actually feeling pretty angry, and grieving of the ignorance showed by those campers towards the Word, making commitments which they didn't even think of committing themselves. Heart was practically burning to tell them that playtime is over in this matter. In the end, told Yit Ping that i want to say something. She allowed so i told the campers about what i felt. Practically poured out everything and in the end, when i finished, only realised that they were all  very quiet, listening. Well, i hope they'll remember it. Won't be seeing them again, so, haha, didn't care of my reputation and how much my voice was about to crack and hands shaking.

Till then.

the cousins

i have PROVE.

That by ranting, 

one can actually paves a wider tunnel 

for information to be transferred out from his brain effectively.

today's muet speaking was so far one of my best.

Spoke quite a lot, more to crap much actually.

Sort of imagine a blank page in my mind while speaking

plus some 'use your heart to talk'
and some zexy eye staress. nah..
 i hope i can speak like that or better than that for the real exam tho.
it always backfires.

Just came back from a testimony-talk in church.
Truly, what you never see in your daily life here,
does not mean the same for the rest of the place in the world.
i've always known that there are missionaries out there who sacrifice a lot
and who make radical choices like coming out from their comfort zones or familiarities to serve in the field.
But for the last few days plus today again, this knowledge somehow became much more real than ever.
That God is still stirring up the hearts of His children.
 I should not be shocked or have any of that sorts of emotion because
it should be expected!
In years to come, i strongly believe that there will be more and more radical people
who will answer the call from God especially in Malaysia.
WOoots! Aren't you excited too?

p/s: pardon all of the new emoticons. Haha. Just felt they're really cute after i saw them somewhere. Aren't they cute? No? Just admit it. They shall be here as long as i still love them. *peace*

Oh..before i go..

its APRIL FOOL today!

AND my school's anniversary.. >.<

Thus my school is a joke. omgosh.

*salute the founders of High School*

lol
better be careful!
 

Vase is fragile

Was reading a blog written by someone whom i'm not close to and have not met for a few years. Everytime i read the thoughts that the person posted, i'm always left in amazement of the kind of thinking he has. Well, they're not really good thoughts exactly for some of his posts, but it helps me to see and understand what kind of thoughts this type of people whom i regard... pretty different from my world have. Different and interesting i think. Well, it's been sometime i didn't hop to his blog, but after reading a few of his recent posts today where one of it he confessed certain things about himself. I always thought those people who are "full" of themselves, pretty much have better confidence than the rest. But after reading his post, i found out that statement is not really true for all afterall. Instead, they need real security in their life. Like a pretty vase, outside it may look so strong and beautiful, but its the easiest to be broken. Thus, don't judge the vase by mere look.


Got pretty encouraged by an sms from a distant friend today. Sort of reminded me again that there are others who are building the kingdom of God together with me in various places. It always move my heart to hear about people from diff places especially the ones i know made radical decisions in unity and do radical things for God and by trusting God. Life in these days have become pretty individualistic. But this is not what God wants for all of us. Something that i've to struggle out of it constantly. Only by being in His presence, i'm washed from that kind of mind set or "tightness".

 Previous responsibilities that are passed to another is being passed back to me again recently. I guess there must be something i'm yet to learn there and i must learn

P/S :  i realised i can actually send sms from my number back to my own number~!=))))

Resew CNY

It was HOT! and still is outside!
Absolute one thing i dislike about CNY!
I was actually not really looking forward to CNY this year. Due to many reasons i guess like how time will fly by faster, how the same routine will be etc etc..

But after coming back from hometowns, i realised this cny is one i will and have to remember. Though it may not be as FUN as those childhood days but it's somewhat special in a way. Hehe.
I would say the theme for this cny is .... Resew. Stands for Re- Sew. Yes.
Like once a torn blanket, resew back again slowly.
Resew in love to be more accurate. A different kind of love. Smth like "though you are ugly, i still love you" and "the past is the past, doesn't matter", AND those "innocent" kind of love. Okay, its hard to explain. >.<

All in all, an unforgettable cina new year.

 

my official cam whore buddy for this CNY

in Penang's side

My nieces!

Beloved Perlis family..

Both beloved sewn blankets..

Thinking

I am just pondering these. Something that has been lying in my heart. Is it all this while?
Thinking of who i will become if i've not chosen that road.
Thinking of who my friends will be if i've chosen the other road.
Thinking of what lies on the road i did not take.
Thinking of if i chose to stay in the path, will i be in that place where im looking at right now from far and will i know the people whom i've met in the road i've taken after i changed the road.
Thinking that whether i'll be willing to come out of my shell if its not the decision made years back.
Thinking of what will i become if i don't know Jesus.
Thinking of what type of girl will i be if i didn't take those roads which i've taken till today.
Thinking of the changes that had happened which had moulded me into who i am today and the unknown changes that are yet to lie in my path to change my route.
Thinking of the many possibilities the future holds.
Thinking of the uncertainty of it too.
Thinking of the many what ifs.
And thinking of the many what will be's.

Will i be the person whom i've pictured in my mind all these while?
Will i be walking the road i've planned to go?
Will i yet to meet people who will change my route tremendously?
Will i be able to make it to the finishing line?
Will i be who i know i am today in the next few years?
Will i yet to see more of unfamiliarities than familiarities?

Yet i'm not the person whom i've pictured before today.
Yet i've not walked the road i've planned to in the yesteryears.
Yet i've met people in unlikely places whom had changed my life in some ways.
Yet i am not who i was.

Every decision made will lead to another whole possibilities.
Every decision made will shape you. 
I've heard, "How do you want your testimony to be?"
How do i want mine?
How do you want yours to be?
It all starts with decisions.


How unfamiliar it is.
Only this one thing i can be certain of.
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
And for that, i'm simply assured.

Are you....a baby elephant?

I was just reading the newspaper and everywhere i looked, i saw politics, politics and politics.
Recently, there're another 2 cases where pigs' heads are thrown into the mosque after the church arsons. My first thought  was "What is this la...sick!". And i believe others too have all sorts of comments in their shiny brains.

I'm sort of relieved and proud to know that most Malaysians (those who are not involved in this shameful act or have this kind of thought) are mature enough to know that this are not done by civilans because we are civilized, but politicians + their konco-konco. It's always the politicians. Full stop. Trying to gain face and be the hero in front but zero behind....or negative for most cases. In case you don't know, this is spelled as sick. Malaysians are not fools anymore. I don't believe this is done by anyone else other than politicians once i heard of it. Neither do my friends. And i'm also glad, glad that some of the good politicians pointed that out.

Guess what, we can see and observe because as simple as this....we have eyes. We can listen to the meaning behind any sugar-coated words. Well, even the blinds, the deafs and the lames are able to "see" through the motives behind this too. We are not as doggy as you think, agreeing to whatever thats happening and launch into a war between races. Even dogs know the feelings of other people.......and sometimes are too peace-loving to move much in a war. We are no kiddy. Yes, grasped that? A 5-year old ain't kiddy too. He loves his Muslim friends! Last but not least, we are no more fools...and don't play your tools on Malaysians. That's er...pretty outdated...in case you don't know.

We appreciate our peace in the country. We love Malays, Chinese, Indians and our other ethnic groups here. I love my different skin colours friends too in my current school, my ex-college, my ex-sec school, my ex-primary school, my ex-ex kindie, my ex tuition centres........and also that Indian guard beside my house! We love them because they are people too. So are we. All of us came out from our mother's womb. So, no one is more superior than the others. No one came out from the elephants' womb.....right?....right?

So please, don't try to induce in fear and division among us. We are tired. We are tired of all of the sweet talks..... the spade behind the mouth, the fiery eyes behind that concealed black innocent-but-not-really pupils, that.....bloody pig heads behind the spine bones...and that socks which are concealed in your sleeky shoes which say "Im sorry but im not".

We are tired of all of those shameful acts. As i am writing this, my heart is burning with righteous anger. I don't know whether the May 13 was a real or a fake, but what i know is that we will not fall into the same trap again, being controlled by the politicians. We treasure our peace, please. We treasure what our previous warriours had done to bring unity and maintained it in this country. Please, please stop tearing down Malaysia. It was once a beautiful country, and is still to most of us and will be if only such shameful-to-the-very-ugly acts of disunity and display of oppressing power are stopped.

As you can already say, 1 Malaysia. Satu. Yi. Ona. One. Yes, you said it.

United in Him

I think it's pretty cool to know that there are others who are still running the race together with you even though they may be in different places and different ages.

Friends whom i know, and friends whom I do not know, i somehow know how they must be going through and feeling, the struggles they are having because of the same cause, the same goal.

It somehow assured me that i'm not alone in this path, and that helps to push me further.

We are in this together, friends. :)

Let's pursue forward towards the goal together.

In where ever God has put us in.

Though we may be in different places, we are united together as a body of Christ because of our Father in Heaven.

Looking forward to another awesome week. :)

Emo songs make you emo

"I think listening to emo song makes one emo."

".....hmmm? I thought that's already a universal fact?"


"...oh yeah....Maybe more detail. I think listening to emo song stirs that small emo seed in you to a great tree of emoness. How's that?"

"...uh huh....I guess that would qualify for now.. until further discovery."


It feels really good to listen to something that suits what we are feeling at the moment. When you are happy, you'll tend to choose a happy and jumpy song. So otherwise, if you are feeling sad, disappointed, in longing perhaps, you'll pick some slow-emo songs to listen to and dwell in the lyrics if it suits you...or maybe not. Well, if it doesn't suit, you may place yourself in that lyrics to somehow make yourself be the lyrics.

Of course, some will want to listen to happy songs during emo moments. Why? DUH...to make themself happy la. It may work to some with tremendous positive result, to another it may work just temporarily -- period of 3 mins aka the length of the songs, just like drugs, or another, it may not work at all and in the end he or she will switch back to emo songs.

Well, the after-effect of listening to emo songs during the right time is really destructive...to me at least...but agree agree? It makes one feel even worse after the songs, it leaves an empty hole in you, it lets you feel that something precious is grabbed away from you. Not only that, you'll feel self-pity at yourself and cry over it...for being pathetic or any other qualified/reasonable/stupid reasons. Then you'll replay the same emo songs to again get that feelings  because maybe you prefer to tend to your crying heart than abandoning it in a lonely room.

But still, i would say one who has been hurt tremendously and their heart is bleeding might prefer to that quietness. It gives them the time to focus on crying. Crying over what is from their hearts, not the cry that is nudged by songs.

Sometimes, i am too the fan of listening to such songs during such times.*grins*

"Uh oh...er.....you?"
"Sure la..saya ni human...go munch on that."

But in vain, of course it is just for "fun" because it does not help in any way at all. Run away as i might from the things that are weighing me down, i still have to face it. I still can't let it to wait. It'll just numb my whole heart, weighing even heavier than before.

Well, i guess the solution to a broken and bleeding heart is to cry out to Jesus. Many times in the past, i found myself not able to tell God what i am hurting or things concerning of my innerself because, somehow unconsciously, i always feel that God is more interested in other people or thing than me. Of course, its so not true at all. He is interested in me. He is also equally interested in you. He is very equally interested in other people too. But yet, He still see each of us very precious individually, each of us in its own different way of intimacy.


After going to so many hide-and-seek with God, i'll always return back to Him. I feel peace, and comfort when i go to Him besides assurances and His love and understanding upon me. So i'll always be "Why why and oh why eh i didn't go earlier to God la...aiyoooo...cut that hide-and-seek..such a waste of time and effort ni."

So,dont hold back things from God. *grins* If im sad about certain matter, tell Him. If im feeling extremely disappointed over something, tell Him. If im angry about something, or someone, tell Him. If i anything, tell Him. Ask Him for help. He is close to a broken heart. And He can heal it.

So yeah, this is just some random post about emo songs. xD

So.....don't emo-lah with emo songs....

Go find God! wee~

Injustice

I've never had the longest week in my life until this week. It was the most tiring week and will always be till i'm over Form 6. The timetable has changed and we are to go back at 3.35pm every Monday to Wednesday for Koko. The worst thing is that, the reason why we are forced to that schedule is just this simple reason -- we are the Guinea Pigs for the future generation. Well, i wouldn't really mind if its for the sake of the future, but the thing is, it's not even close to the future generation. We are just the failing Guinea Pigs for nobody because the future generation will not have to go through the same exam format as us. How 'honored' and 'noble' are we eh?

Well, i did accept that fact and was just being cool because previously, teacher promised that this will be until May. But when i heard the announcement today, i was really angry when the teacher said that this will go on until we finish STPM. Even during exams, we have to stay back for unnecessary and time-wasting activities. When i asked the teacher in charge about the alternative ways we can make this work to let us make full use of our time wisely, he just gave me some really childish and unreasonable answers. Equivalent to pointing to an adult saying that an elephant is a mouse and forcing that person to accept that ridiculous fact.

I don't know yet what action should i take towards this. Should i submit to the authority or claim justice over this issue. Because the latter seems really tempting. I can't tolerate with injustice. I'll leave it to God for now and see how it goes and hope God will see us Upper 6 through this impossible year.

Intercession tonight was great. It's so nice to be praying together as a church and to just seek Him together and listen to Him. I felt so refreshed after all the craziness in school and home. One thing i was reminded is that God does things differently than the world. His perspective is totally different than what the world perspective is. I sometimes forgot about how passionate is He towards the different ethnic groups. Besides, blessings in disguise! Hardships and persecutions in the end can be a blessing. For example, the Metro Tabernacle Church. It was such an awesome testimony. And i pray that every churches will stand up to what they believe in, not to compromise and lose hope and faith even when persecution comes in a greater frequency.

2 more days to go to weekends. But seeing the condition now, weekends too have to be turned to weekdays.

Have a great week.

How can you?

How can you hope for fishes in the net, if you don't first cast the net into the sea?
How can you receive without first emptying what's in your hand?
How can you expect a great movement without first getting on your knees and pray?
How can you expect the walls to crumble, if you don't first find a way for it - pray?
How can you see the dust in the other person's eyes when you can't even see the plank in your very own eyes?
How can you listen without first hearing?
How can you expect for a good shady tree without first sowing the seed and watering it?
How can you expect people to see your light when you are hiding it?
How can you see the mountain to be moved without first having the faith it will?



And how can you hope for a change, if you don't first be willing to change?

Chains must first be broken in order to set those who are chained free.
Price must be paid in the process.
Our old lifestyles must be changed to what's birthed from the fruit of the Spirit.

Live a life of dependence on God.


He can only help if you put your first step forward of dependence upon Him. 1% you move, 99% He'll move. At times, you'll have to move 50%, then another 50% He'll move. It's always a two way connection.
That's why its a relationship.

"He will come—but when He comes, will He find faith on the earth?” -- Chandler

"Back to School"

"Back to school...!" over dinner, my mum said these three disastrous words to me.

A pang of annoying familiarity just simply smacked on me. Even my brother realised how weird that three words sounded. I used to really hate these three words because that means, its time to be serious and study. Maybe i still hate that words afterall. =P I've never really thought that i'm still fit or am still in a SCHOOL somehow, unconsciously until today. School seems like a very yesterday place now. Haha! When those words came to me, suddenly i felt like im back to Standard One, that young me.

Then, I realised that, these words "Back to School" would be the last one thrown or applied to me in my life time. I will never step into school anymore as a student after this year! This excitement and afraidness for school will be my last old experience i will ever feel. I wonder whether i'll miss it.. or not. Well, maybe i am able to be a teacher next time, but then it won't be the same feeling i guess.

Just some random memory and thought.

So yeah, to all who are still in school and you know you still are...

Back to School

and i hope u washed your school shoes! =P

Inexplicable 2009

This year is coming to a close soon.

I wonder whether i should write down in an orderly form what and where i've been to, what achievements i've achieved and so on like what other famous bloggers will usually do. But i thought it'd be quite impossible to collect all of them in a single post. Well perhaps its really possible, maybe i'm just too lazy for that.

I will truly never forget this year. Its such an inexplicable year. As I reflected back of what had happened in this year, i felt i can describe it as a year full of learnings, joy, tears, forgiveness, fear, trust, friendships, challenges, decisions, disciplines, obedience, desires and visions. Everything is just in the essence of God's goodness and faithfulness to me. I'm so grateful that He disciplines His child. I'm so grateful that I'm able to know Him in my mid teens and not when I'm older! I wouldn't want to miss Him! There're just so many things I'm so grateful about Him. How i hope I can be faithful to Him in my walk like how He has been to me.

I really enjoyed this year in fact. 2008 seemed so distant and so different for me in 2009 or rather now. It seemed like a very far away chapter in my life. And i figure probably 2010 will be different too than 2009? But i wonder how any different would it be anymore?

When Uncle Robert was praying for the youths at the last Sunday of the year, i just felt Him gently calling each of us to stop walking by ourselves anymore in 2010. He so wants us to walk with Him throughout the year, no matter what happens. Walk in repentance and humility. With love and holiness. He's calling us back.

So, don't walk alone anymore..

Place your trust on Him..

For my new year resolutions, i hope i'll reach it! But my greatest enemies, you..yes you... Laziness, Hesitation...and of course Shyness, thou shall flee away from me in Jesus name! =)))

Have a great day uhm...sleep!;)