i feel..

I feel so blessed. I feel so forgiven, on the things that i should not even be forgiven. Looking back at all the sins in me i've committed, I feel so grateful that i'm even accepted by God because of Jesus. I feel so touched. I feel my heart is trembling of His majesty and the holiness that i can't even imagine, left alone compare. I feel like a lost child who has been found. I feel like a person who'd been snatched from the deepest pit of hell, plucked away by grace. I feel that whatever i did and do does not even make me worth getting any merits, far from being close to getting it. I feel like crying, not of sadness, but of joy, understanding, and love because i'm being loved by Someone whom i don't deserve to be loved so much. His plaster for me is as wide as the wound in me and the world. By my own, I can only badly cover myself in shame by fig trees woven together, and failing to be covered altogether. It's only Him that i'm declared as righteous. He had paid it all.

Back to blog

I'm officially returning to blogging though i guess i will not be that active in Facebook anymore. Breaking away from many things in internet feel really refreshing. As if like a few gigabytes in my brain have been cleared off. :)

 Many things had happened in this short period of time though yesterday just felt like a long time ago. Mum was not home for a couple of days because she went back hometown for Mum's Day with grandma. The first time not celebrating her birthday and her day. It felt like a complete freedom at first, doing everything i want to do, eating unhealthy food and not eating those supplements she usually force down my throat. But it doesn't feel that right and comfortable in the end. All those lack of discipline except some exceptions of the things i can do more. Now i want her back. :( Well, I guess this goes the same with God. Many times i want to do my own way, going here and there, not abiding in Him, but ended up, His discipline is the best for me. And without His presence in my life, everything goes chaos in the inside and i'll be in a stupor.

Recently, Jesus answered my prayers. Prayers i've made one year ago and also throughout the year. Personal and also ministry. I'm not gonna write down what it is here yet but perhaps i'll in the near future. Just grateful to God that He listens and He provides the best there is for His children. Indeed how can a father give his son a snake if he asks of him for fish?

Recited a poem for Mother's Day in church main sanctuary. My first time with poem and in front of the whole church alone. Haha. Its quite awesome when all eyes are on you, quiet and listening. Surprisingly, i'm starting to enjoy such moments though my nerves are not under control sometimes im in front. Too bad the projector and the music did not really work.

Went to NS campsite for Christian sharing last Friday. Just the 3 of us - Yit Ping, Elaine and me, the smallest group i've ever been with. We were late! I was incharged of worship that day. There were around 40+ of them, mostly from Sabah and Sarawak. Played guitar while worship leading, i felt i'd better brush up more on my guitar skill. Its getting more and more useful as time goes by. :) During the sharing time, i don't know why i was actually feeling pretty angry, and grieving of the ignorance showed by those campers towards the Word, making commitments which they didn't even think of committing themselves. Heart was practically burning to tell them that playtime is over in this matter. In the end, told Yit Ping that i want to say something. She allowed so i told the campers about what i felt. Practically poured out everything and in the end, when i finished, only realised that they were all  very quiet, listening. Well, i hope they'll remember it. Won't be seeing them again, so, haha, didn't care of my reputation and how much my voice was about to crack and hands shaking.

Till then.

i need a break

I'll be breaking away from internet for 40 days.

Mostly from doing unnecessary things online.

Will be checking my inbox mails though a few times a week.

So contact me there if you've anything or else sms me.

Really need this.

Hopefully i can make it.

..With much love..

<3

It's 2.50am now.
It's dawn.
And i'm awake......again. Huhu.
I need to curb this.
Cut all ends. Tie all loose knots. Or rather trim all those loose knots.

Yes..

I'll try again ..with all these remaining strengths in me.

Pray for me... if you are a believer.

God bless~

Dulling to Fill

i feel.....dulled. today. or rather it's been like this since a few days..... before i realised .... today.
well, dulled as in the right brain of mine is wearing off. the shutting down of my artsy mind if there's still any left. i feel so uncreative now. =(
Must be the pressure or etc etc..hope to regain them back again!

Well, i guess during this uncreative moment, my brain is somehow slowed down a bit. Like it has formed a wider space of privacy. i guess it's a time of refilling for me. a lot of refilling and i hope i don't abandon this... kinda feel good actually to be still. I feel like i'm just so shallow in the Word. There are just so many treasures in the bible which i've yet to discover and to soak in it and to anchor it deep in my heart. And the Word is living, from God!one thing i felt so privilaged today.  thank you God for the hunger You place in my heart. I'd never get that hunger without You helping me. i fear the times when i will be so cold towards Your words, that i will not respond to it or even care. =S God,please awaken my heart back again if i fall into that. Don't let me to go so far away Lord!

felt really heart-touching and speechless to realise again of how great and how far Jesus has gone so that i can have a deeper intimacy with Him. Read the mockery and majesty of Calvary and i felt so much of His love. and how short-sighted and forgetful i am. The pain at the cross, the many expects of the Cross.It spells love. How God loves us. He paid all to redeem me back, to redeem us back. 'the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it.'[matt 13:45-46]  He sees us as that beautiful pearls. how much we meant to Him? How He sees us as His most beloved bride that we overwhelms Him? We overwhelm Him? yes..thats pretty not a joke.
The only thing i'm required to is to love Him.



I want to take my passion and put it in a bottle
just to break it at your feet
I want to take my affections, put them in a bottle
just to waste at your feet

But like a brand plucked from the fire
I am like a brand plucked from the fire

Welcome the year....with?

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D!

Yes! I know! :D is a happy smile! *sigh in all feelings*


Its a new year!! and i think the number of this year is pretty cool and cute! :D

2010~! 

Cutie cool right? HEHEEE..

..

i know that's lame, but who cares?

i don't think anyone really reads this blog anyway..haha!

So, just wanting to make a post in this EXUBERANT day!! :D....kinda.

For this year, i did not welcome the year by going to church for Watchnight or even went to any gatherings with friends to welcome the year or even opening my house or etc ways. At least, i did not in those ways. I just felt this time it was a little different or rather it should or must. I needed peace. I needed concentration beside all of those excitements or electrics or anything like such. I know I would be too tired after going to places to celebrate and will sleep right away when im back. That would be such a WASTE! I want to welcome the year with Jesus alone. Just me and Him. :D Sounds sweet right? LOL Of course except those moments when my phones couldn't stop singing-with-annoying-joy and when i felt bad for not wishing especially those who sent me right at 12 o'clock! Well, besides of that motive, i felt bad for leaving my parents to celebrate it alone themselves. They'd been busy with their works so didn't plan for anything for this year. Thus, don't blame me for being unfriendly alright? :)

God simply brought repentance into my heart yesterday night. I was actually expecting other bigger stuffs.*smile in regret of such*. Well, He did give me an image of an eagle's head more focusing to the eye part. The typical-yellow one. I was not really sure about that image but the explanation that came was that i will see beyond and further what normally people won't see. *innocent eyes..yes?* Am actually wondering whether that was what Shyju Mathew was trying to say to me? Ugh, its really not-cool and so-more-than-not-nice when He wants to speak to me so much yet my ears or eyes are still not sure. (i really really hope and pray that i am able to be so close to God, so intimate until I can be so sure of God's voice and to go forward to it! Time to soak more in Him!! WEE! Like Pastor Ann! Haha! That would be one of my resolution for this year and the years to come too!) Back to the night, after that moment though, again He brought repentance into my heart and i know it's something really urgent back again.*uh oh* Well, in the end i know He wants me to empty the rubbish thats in me and my head so much more before He can fill me with Him more!*Repentance to welcome the new year? Not a bad one to start one eh?=P*

Awesome joy, i'm a sinner,yet He by His mercy accepts those who are willing to repent.

Have a great day!

Come, my dear Pacific Ocean!

I'd fallen. I'd bruised. I'd cried. I'd ran. I'd walked. I'd almost given up. I'd feared. I'd been directionless. I'd been in the pits. I'd been ashamed.

But I'd also climbed. I'd rose. I'd healed. I'd laughed. I'd been fueled. I'd hoped. I'd been protected. I'd been led. I'd danced. I'd jumped with joy. I'd sung. I'd learnt. I'd been filled. I'd been poured grace and mercy. I'd trusted. and I'd been assured again and again.

Because of Him, I'd lived. And I'm still living.

Last night, i was suddenly filled with overwhelmed feelings.

I'd let Him down, i know, on that day.. but despite of all of that, He still called me to come even closer to Him, gently nudging my heart. I was thinking that 2009 is going to end. And i felt once i've stepped into 2010, I would be forever drowning all the way till next year. It just really felt like I am about to swim across a Pacific Ocean. I was very scared all of a sudden. I was afraid that I will give up. I was afraid that I will be unfaithful. I was afraid that i will choose not to trust and flee away when the frictions begin. I was afraid that I will not be able to stand the waves. I was afraid to let Him down. I was afraid that i will turn away to ignore His outstretching arms to me and will choose to fall back into that horrible familiar place.

But He'd given me these 3 stones for a purpose. I know He'll equip me and I know He have plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future [Jer 29:11]. Now God, I want to swim across that Pacific Ocean. I know I will drink a lot of that salty water.And fishes, birds and penguins will be my companions. But i know You'll bring me through it. And You know what i need and that You'll provide!

The Lord is the everlasting God,

      the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

     and His understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

    and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

    and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

    will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

    they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

[Isaiah 40:28-31]

I know many of us faced many many different and difficult things right now. Especially those who are in decisions making, or having finances problem or family problems or etc. Look to God. Cling to Him. Look at Him even though everything is just so vicious around you, and ask for His help and He'll surely help you!

I hope and pray that next year will be a year full of God's glory reflecting, shining, in every pieces, every fragments, every particles, every ticks of my time and also your time!

God bless you and me in this coming new year!